St. Ives, Worker of Miracles

Great news for cinephiles:  now there's time to catch up on all those movies you've been missing!  From"
"According to St.Ives, the average UK woman will spend 91 hours every year applying make-up, the equivalent of three and half days a year – enough time to enjoy over 60 films, back to back."
This is not a makeup bashing post.  I love makeup!  Primarily I think it's fun and artistic, but I'm also grateful to have the option to create a dewy, blushing, pimple-free face, and, in some situations, have more control over the way I'll be perceived.  Nor is this a "natural beauty" bashing post.  I also love not wearing makeup (and hearing media messages about not wearing makeup) because sometimes there are other things I want to spend my time and money on, and also because no one should have to feel compelled to alter their appearance for someone else's benefit.  What I do NOT love is foolish misrepresentations of "natural beauty" as a new unattainable beauty standard.   This is also not meant as a post bashing Lydia Bright (the TV personality pictured below, whom I know essentially nothing about but whom I am sure is under great pressure related to her appearance and how she expresses herself), but the premise of these photos is preposterous.  Supposedly we are seeing the results of Lydia's having undertaken the "St. Ives 7-day challenge," whereby seven days of using facial scrub allowed her "to achieve fresher, more radiant looking skin, giving her the confidence to go without makeup at a makeup free shoot."

Who knew seven days of scrubbing was all it takes?  I have a suggestion, though, about the true secret to natural beauty.  No, no, it's not those aphorisms wrongly attributed to Audrey Hepburn about being a kind person...  In addition to St. Ives facial scrub for seven days, I'd suggest following this authentic ancient ritual for petitioning St. Ives, patron of "natural" beauty.

Prayer to St. Ives

O St. Ives, obtain for me these beauty favors I implore.  Grant me perfect symmetry. Save me from the tweezer and eyebrow pencil, and let my eyebrows grow in tidy orderly arcs.  Normalize my pigmentation:  let my coloration be free of any variation.  Plump my lips; lift my cheekbones; whittle my jaw; shape my eyes, nose, and lips into idealized typical Caucasian shapes.  Intercede on my behalf against dark circles under my eyes, against hair on my upper lip, and against wrinkles and sags. Imbue me with a youthful rosy glow, make me fashionably slim but not too slim, and make me impossibly blonde (except in the hair of my eyebrows and eyelashes which should still be dark enough to accentuate the shape of my uncommonly light blue eyes.)  Above all, St. Ives, take away my pores.  Though I am an adult, make my pores like unto those of a newborn babe.  Make the texture of my skin like unto that of a billiard ball.

Well, maybe it won't totally work...  According to a tweet from Lydia Bright:
JPEG of tweet taken from the Daily Mail, who captioned it "Honest: Lydia opened up about her insecurities to her Twitter followers"

Also, below her chin and a little off to the side I think there's a little freckle or mole or something.  Tsk, tsk!  But I guess it's okay if St. Ives can't truly make us "perfect," since revealing our flaws will help us, like Lydia, grow the maturity and wisdom of self-acceptance.

More photos: